Thursday, December 24, 2009

Online Santa Clause Trackers Not Synchronized

New Haven, CT – December 25th, 2009 - A Yale University survey of several internet Santa Clause trackers on Christmas Eve revealed that there was a discrepancy of several hundred miles per time interval with compared plots, according to an independent statistical board sponsored by the Christmas Media Responsibility Committee of the American Society of Statistics.

Details of the survey results reveal that experts monitoring several Santa Clause tracking websites found often erratic and incongruous estimates. Norad’s tracking tool, which used an overlay provided by Google Earth, was visually appealing, according to the writer’s of the survey, but proved to be confusing when compared side-by-side with other trackers.

The plotting points of the NORAD and Marshal Space Flight Center online trackers were consistently off by 165 miles, but when compared with other self-proclaimed Santa trackers, the difference was multiplied exponentially, in some cases by 2,492%.

A second examining committee said the variation between all sites was a staggering 5,000%, but even this was not necessarily accurate, because no one tracker had been assessed prior to Christmas Eve for accuracy, according to its constituents.

“No child could use any tracker to reliably predict Santa’s arrival. With no control to speak of, there was no way to determine how accurate any tracking website was,” Edgar Yuletide Majquan III stated in an unrelated interview.

Out of 14 experts questioned on how to improve the tracking experience, none of them could corroborate on how to calibrate the world’s tracking systems to more accurately assess Santa Clause’s location. Mikhail Bubahcheviv, the premier mid-sky tracking technology expert affiliated with the survey, agreed that a better system was needed.

“The technology of Santa Clause tracking may be in its infancy, but it is clearly a worldwide effort that needs to be improved,” said President Barack Obama under Oath of Embellishment.

When ordinary citizens were questioned about the matter, according to the American Society of Statistics, 17% blamed the state of the economy, while 9% said the technology just wasn’t there yet, 4% blamed corruption, and the rest simply didn’t care.

Experts at NORAD, Marshal Space Flight Center, and NASA all say that their systems were functioning normally and that their Santa Clause position estimates were accurate. NTSB officials declined comment, but their secretaries suggested they’d probably ignore requests to investigate this, and the Better Business Bureau was out to lunch. Meanwhile a large, dusty, muttled rock drifted in the vacuum of space – from behind, the blue glow of planet Earth dead ahead. Gloomy orchestral music by John Williams played in the background.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Myanmar Government Threatens to Lasso Any Planes That Try to Give Aid to Cyclone Victims

In a statement from the Non-Associated Press on Friday, the fickle militant government of Myanmar has affirmed that its soldiers will attempt to lasso any aircraft that makes any attempt to provide aid to its cyclone-stricken citizens.

The government of Myanmar, formerly known as Burma, has refused any efforts to help the people affected by Cyclone Nargis.

International reports are suggesting that militant operatives are tying together massive amounts of vines and other elements of the local vegetation. They are combining these with very strong ropes and enduring rigorous training exercises. The hope is that they will be able to capture low flying aircraft that attempt to drop supplies.

Dr. Larry Lehey II, the premier lasso expert for the Modern American West and Litagatory Historian at New Mexico State University, says that it is impossible to capture an airplane with a lasso, and that he'd never heard of such a thing.

U.S. Military sources say that it is unlikely the Myanmar soldiers would be able to capture a plane in this manner, and that plans are going forward to deliver supplies to those in need.