Friday, December 9, 2011

Smartphone App Developer Says He Was Trying to Track Actions to Create Race of Cloned Smartphone Users

December 2, 2011 – The developer of the smartphone app discovered last week that tracks the actions of users says his intentions were to model the typical phone use of people for scientific purposes. Under oath of embellishment, Mikvi Goblohov stated that the mobile phone features, such as texts, Web use, and keystrokes, were being monitored so his company could produce a race of human clones that survived by using smart phones.

By tracking the actions of users on their phones, Goblohov said this was vital to the project. The next step is to feed data from millions of smartphones into a supercomputer. A model based on the average activities of a smart phone user will then be created, based on Globlohov’s secret records. Using these data, a master program will be fed into the brains of the clones, which will constantly be using the phones. If they stop they will immediately turn to bones.

Goblohov’s representative said that the clone’s brains would be hard wired to a new type of phone. “Much of their biochemistry will rely on the radiation emitted by cell phones. It will be amplified and be necessary to control most brain functions, in effect taking the place of neurotransmitters,” the unidentified representative said.

The human clones, thought to currently be developing in a chamber deep under Pedukah, Kentucky, will also require the cell phone radiation to run much of their biological metabolism. A large cell phone tower in the vicinity is thought to be providing the radiation needed to keep the growing clones alive. Each clone will be programmed to only want to text, surf the Internet, or do something on their phone, according to sources familiar with the program.

Sources have thus far been unclear on how many clones there are or what the eventual total may be. Goblohov said a significant number were in bio-production. “The first generation are sort of a test,” he added, “If they proliferate, there will be many more (evil laugh).”

Thursday, December 2, 2010

WikiLeaks to Be Sent to the Moon

December 1, 2010 - Following the release of a quarter-million confidential U.S. government documents, and subsequent controversy, WikiLeaks has not only been banned by Amazon, the entire Internet, and society, but any notion of it will be burned, deleted, and sent to the moon, according to embellished, anonymous sources.

The decision came during a secret meeting between anonymous parties, the details of which are intended to remain secret, but inevitably will be leaked somewhere. Embellished news sources say that there was simply nowhere and no one that would accept WikiLeaks as an entity anywhere on Earth because, “The organization simply cannot be trusted.”

“There is not a server on the planet that would host them,” said an anonymous Internet executive.

The website revealed many documents pertaining to international crises and conflicts, and various issues dealing with embassies around the world. Some issues covered include a nuclear fuel standoff in Pakistan, political troubles in North Korea, how to get rid of everyone in Guantanamo Bay prison, and corruption in the Afghan government. “None of this is anything that anyone couldn’t figure out for themselves,” said a representative of WikiLeaks under Oath of Embellishment.

“We’ll conduct an investigation into the leak of these sensitive cables. For now, I’d like to instruct workers in the White House to move those cables on the floor for the Christmas lights before anyone gets hurt,” President Obama said in an unrelated statement.

Other events the site leaked were the hacking of Google computers in China, which is done everywhere else, and donations to Al Qaeda in the Middle East, and…. (static) the worldwide (white noise)… wait…. Just breaking an art..ic..1.. three – two- one… blastoff!!!

The editors of Embellished-1 News would like to note that this was just a simulated takeoff, and that no official information has been leaked by this publication. The fake newsletter is still safe at home on Earth, and has no presence on the moon… yet.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Online Santa Clause Trackers Not Synchronized

New Haven, CT – December 25th, 2009 - A Yale University survey of several internet Santa Clause trackers on Christmas Eve revealed that there was a discrepancy of several hundred miles per time interval with compared plots, according to an independent statistical board sponsored by the Christmas Media Responsibility Committee of the American Society of Statistics.

Details of the survey results reveal that experts monitoring several Santa Clause tracking websites found often erratic and incongruous estimates. Norad’s tracking tool, which used an overlay provided by Google Earth, was visually appealing, according to the writer’s of the survey, but proved to be confusing when compared side-by-side with other trackers.

The plotting points of the NORAD and Marshal Space Flight Center online trackers were consistently off by 165 miles, but when compared with other self-proclaimed Santa trackers, the difference was multiplied exponentially, in some cases by 2,492%.

A second examining committee said the variation between all sites was a staggering 5,000%, but even this was not necessarily accurate, because no one tracker had been assessed prior to Christmas Eve for accuracy, according to its constituents.

“No child could use any tracker to reliably predict Santa’s arrival. With no control to speak of, there was no way to determine how accurate any tracking website was,” Edgar Yuletide Majquan III stated in an unrelated interview.

Out of 14 experts questioned on how to improve the tracking experience, none of them could corroborate on how to calibrate the world’s tracking systems to more accurately assess Santa Clause’s location. Mikhail Bubahcheviv, the premier mid-sky tracking technology expert affiliated with the survey, agreed that a better system was needed.

“The technology of Santa Clause tracking may be in its infancy, but it is clearly a worldwide effort that needs to be improved,” said President Barack Obama under Oath of Embellishment.

When ordinary citizens were questioned about the matter, according to the American Society of Statistics, 17% blamed the state of the economy, while 9% said the technology just wasn’t there yet, 4% blamed corruption, and the rest simply didn’t care.

Experts at NORAD, Marshal Space Flight Center, and NASA all say that their systems were functioning normally and that their Santa Clause position estimates were accurate. NTSB officials declined comment, but their secretaries suggested they’d probably ignore requests to investigate this, and the Better Business Bureau was out to lunch. Meanwhile a large, dusty, muttled rock drifted in the vacuum of space – from behind, the blue glow of planet Earth dead ahead. Gloomy orchestral music by John Williams played in the background.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Myanmar Government Threatens to Lasso Any Planes That Try to Give Aid to Cyclone Victims

In a statement from the Non-Associated Press on Friday, the fickle militant government of Myanmar has affirmed that its soldiers will attempt to lasso any aircraft that makes any attempt to provide aid to its cyclone-stricken citizens.

The government of Myanmar, formerly known as Burma, has refused any efforts to help the people affected by Cyclone Nargis.

International reports are suggesting that militant operatives are tying together massive amounts of vines and other elements of the local vegetation. They are combining these with very strong ropes and enduring rigorous training exercises. The hope is that they will be able to capture low flying aircraft that attempt to drop supplies.

Dr. Larry Lehey II, the premier lasso expert for the Modern American West and Litagatory Historian at New Mexico State University, says that it is impossible to capture an airplane with a lasso, and that he'd never heard of such a thing.

U.S. Military sources say that it is unlikely the Myanmar soldiers would be able to capture a plane in this manner, and that plans are going forward to deliver supplies to those in need.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Cleaning Staff Work to Remove Michael Phelps' Body Parts from Pool Wall

Bejing, China - August 14th - According to Beijing 2008 sources, cleaning personnel at the Water Cube were still removing body parts Thursday night belonging to Michael Phelps, following a race where he was going faster than any swimmer had gone before, but couldn't slow down enough not to be "squashed like an accordion" against the pool wall .

During the 200 meter individual medley on Friday morning, Beijing time, sources say Phelps came within 7 miles per hour of breaking the sound barrier, in the water. "That's way too fast," said an anonymous analyst. Unfortunately, the 23-year-old swimmer could not slow down in time on final approach to the wall. His mom and 2 sisters watched in horror and disbelief.

Michael Phelps has won 5 gold metals in this Olympics, and sadly will not get to compete for several more. The incident, according to Olympic coordinators, delayed the 100 meter butterfly qualifier for an hour, but will not delay any other swimming events.

The gold metal was still awarded post-mortem to Phelps for his final swim.

Chinese Female Gymnast Found to be Infant in Sophisticated Suit

Bejing, China - August 14th - Female gymnast Yang Yilin has been rumored by anonymous foreign press sources to be underage, despite claims that she is 16 years old. In fact, the report reports that she is in fact a toddler, disguised and controlled by a sophisticated suit designed by the government but stolen by an underground militant group within the last couple of months.

Reports from sources willing to tell the truth say that Yilin is just 2-years-old. Showing all the potential to be a child protégé, she was selected for a biological experiment in which a sophisticated suit would turn her into an Olympic champion.

Winning the bronze metal herself and her team winning the gold in the 2008 Olympics, the visual body of Yilin, according to circulating reports, is basically a biological suit. Zxank Wu Hong, who claims to be the Olympics liason to a Chinese militant group, said, "This is first use of Bio-Translation-Human-Vector Suit in competitive event. Coordinators pay us lots of money to develop it and give chance to someone who ordinarily couldn't compete."

According to Hong, the BTHV Suit, as it is called, is a laboratory grown form of a person, complete with skin, muscle, blood supply, etc. A sophisticated network of sensors and fiber optic wires are attached between the inside of the suit to the skin of the child. All muscle movements, even neurological impulses not yet able to translate to body movements, are converted into movements by the suit.

"Yilin, just 2-years-old, is a multi-talented child," according to an Olympic coach under Oath of Embellishment. Without a BTHV Suit, she could not compete in the 2008 Olympics.