Cleaning Staff Work to Remove Michael Phelps' Body Parts from Pool Wall

Bejing, China - August 14th - According to Beijing 2008 sources, cleaning personnel at the Water Cube were still removing body parts Thursday night belonging to Michael Phelps, following a race where he was going faster than any swimmer had gone before, but couldn't slow down enough not to be "squashed like an accordion" against the pool wall .

During the 200 meter individual medley on Friday morning, Beijing time, sources say Phelps came within 7 miles per hour of breaking the sound barrier, in the water. "That's way too fast," said an anonymous analyst. Unfortunately, the 23-year-old swimmer could not slow down in time on final approach to the wall. His mom and 2 sisters watched in horror and disbelief.

Michael Phelps has won 5 gold metals in this Olympics, and sadly will not get to compete for several more. The incident, according to Olympic coordinators, delayed the 100 meter butterfly qualifier for an hour, but will not delay any other swimming events.

The gold metal was still awarded post-mortem to Phelps for his final swim.

Chinese Female Gymnast Found to be Infant in Sophisticated Suit

Bejing, China - August 14th - Female gymnast Yang Yilin has been rumored by anonymous foreign press sources to be underage, despite claims that she is 16 years old. In fact, the report reports that she is in fact a toddler, disguised and controlled by a sophisticated suit designed by the government but stolen by an underground militant group within the last couple of months.

Reports from sources willing to tell the truth say that Yilin is just 2-years-old. Showing all the potential to be a child protégé, she was selected for a biological experiment in which a sophisticated suit would turn her into an Olympic champion.

Winning the bronze metal herself and her team winning the gold in the 2008 Olympics, the visual body of Yilin, according to circulating reports, is basically a biological suit. Zxank Wu Hong, who claims to be the Olympics liason to a Chinese militant group, said, "This is first use of Bio-Translation-Human-Vector Suit in competitive event. Coordinators pay us lots of money to develop it and give chance to someone who ordinarily couldn't compete."

According to Hong, the BTHV Suit, as it is called, is a laboratory grown form of a person, complete with skin, muscle, blood supply, etc. A sophisticated network of sensors and fiber optic wires are attached between the inside of the suit to the skin of the child. All muscle movements, even neurological impulses not yet able to translate to body movements, are converted into movements by the suit.

"Yilin, just 2-years-old, is a multi-talented child," according to an Olympic coach under Oath of Embellishment. Without a BTHV Suit, she could not compete in the 2008 Olympics.